Falling in Fall

With another quarter, I’ve found myself in another mess all over again because I always take on so much. The thing is, maybe the reason why I’ve always said that I wanted to do “everything” was to hide the fact that I really don’t know what to do anymore, from myself.

I have a lot of interests, but when it comes to what I actually want to commit myself to…

I still have no idea.

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Languages, graphic design, traditional and digital art, photography, music, and even things such as Business or Psychology; all of it’s always been so appealing and interesting. However, they all also take lots of time to either study or pursue. It becomes more than just a hobby, yet not enough to become a career in itself yet.

There’s this awkward “in-between” stage.

As I’ve been stumbling and falling through this awkward little season of self-conscious self-doubt, the more I realize that, maybe, things like self-discovery won’t ever truly get solved. At least not 100%.

It’s hard accepting that everything really can’t be come to be known for sure. It’s hard accepting change and that the world is constantly moving even when you feel so stuck in your own self-made circumstances. It’s never easy.

Nothing that you see as important ever is.

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By coming to terms with the fact that, “it’s okay that  life isn’t easy,” we begin to start truly living and enjoying life as it is. Yet, why is it so much easier to view life through either a pair of rose-colored glasses or through a cynical cracked lens?

We try so desperately to make things simpler in a way that we can understand life enough in order to just deal with life in itself. Or at least, maybe I’ve just been searching for an answer too hard. I’ve been searching for so long, that I don’t even know what I’m looking for anymore.

However, thanks to a random encounter, a turn of events and a reunion with an old friend, it’s come to my realization that maybe the thing I needed the most wasn’t some crystal clear answer painted in gold; but just a tight hug and a reassuring “it’s going to be alright.”

Funny enough, I don’t think either of us have any idea of what “alright” even means.

Even for a misanthrope such as myself, I gotta admit that this uncertain way of how we comfort others has some merit. It’s almost as reassuring as it is ridiculous. But, it’s nice.

They say once you’ve hit rock bottom, you can only go up.

The thing is, maybe I don’t want to go up. I’m not ready to climb out of this grave I’ve dug for myself quite yet. If I stay in this lonely dark hole by myself I get kind of depressed, yet in a way, my melodramatic sadness has become my new home.

These dark gray rocky walls, a dusty dirt floor; it’s all comfortable.

Miserable, but comfortable.

I don’t want to stay here forever of course, but even if it’s just for a little bit longer, I wouldn’t mind not being pieced back together just yet.

Is it weird that I’m almost content?

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Had some fun self-editing some great shots by the one and only, Sammy L. Photography !

Sweater: Juniors’ IZ Byer V-Hem Cowlneck Sweater (Kohl’s)
Shoes: Women’s Maya Thigh-High Boot (Payless)