Meshed Up Mess

Isn’t it funny how we can become overwhelmed from taking on too much so we take on less, but still end up not getting anything done because we still feel overwhelmed?

That’s been the past few weeks but time to get back to my usual routine.

With my photographer friend, Sammy from Sammy L. Photography, the two of us embarked around the Museum of Glass for the photo shoot featuring this mesh tank!

I know it’s slowly becoming fall, but I love mesh tops to death. Mesh anything really. For some reason, the aesthetics of purposely placed holes in clothing pleases me. Ripped jeans, starry lace?

It’s just so exhilarating and makes the outfit itself feel super fun while looking sharp, The holes in the mesh add a really nice fun and flirty element to everything, so after I saw it at Kohl’s I kind of just said good bye to my wallet and picked it up instead. Luckily, it wasn’t that expensive.

Or maybe it was.

After these past two weeks of being almost constantly $50 overdrawn, I’ve learned that I really have no concept of money.  However, it becomes kind of surreal to me.

Do I really have no concept of money, or do I just act like I don’t because I want to escape a reality of where everything that lay in my hands felt like too much… by being irresponsible?

IMG_0973

Lots of people become a mess because we end up trying to distract ourselves from the things that we don’t want to think about. Anything and everything to make it all the more convenient for us. Although it’s beneficial, we often times don’t face ourselves because those moments of clarity can be what hurt the most.

Then after we realize what the problem is, what do we do about it?

Even if we know what to do, why is it so hard to put it into action?

And in the end, is what we know… reality?

IMG_0972

I’ve found the answer to the last question to be yes, however, because reality is what we feel that we know it can also be inaccurate.  We all live in the same world yet how we each perceive what’s around us can be so different. Our emotions, thoughts and even the conclusions we come to end up being so varied. The thing is, not only is it different compared to other people but it can also be different compared to ourselves.

We’ve all procrastinated at some point in time, but even when it’s the smallest task, it just feels like whatever has to get done is such a hassle. It can’t be bothered. Yet, when we actually begin to work on it, the actual process itself doesn’t feel as bad as we make it out to. Thinking of each step, on the other hand, is extremely tiring.

Getting out of bed just seems like an awful idea some days.

You need to leave the warmth of the blankets, comfort of your mattress, and.. walk? 

Really, it’s not that bad. You know that. I know that. But when you think of each and every step in the process that has to be overcome, it just gets overwhelming even though you have the capability of doing it.

In the end, we not only over estimate ourselves when we take on too much, but we also over-estimate simple scenarios. Maybe the reason why we take so long to take action, is because over-estimating what could happen takes so much less effort, than experiencing the results ourselves.

What ever the reason may be, keep your head held high even when you’re dying inside.

I’ll keep you company.

IMG_0979.JPG

Photography by Sammy L. Photography

Shirt: Juniors’ Candie’s® Open-Work Star Lace Tank (Kohls)
Heels: Women’s Indi Peep Toe Bootie Heel (Payless)

Eclipses and Elliptical Realizations

They say eclipses hold some kind of magic.

Previously theorized to have been a dragon eating the Sun, or a quarrel between the Sun and the Moon, it is now seen as a bad omen foretelling disasters, destruction, and even death.

However, with the massive eclipse over the United States this morning, new superstitions have also risen. Things like “make a wish” or how seeing it will give you good luck because it is a once in a life time opportunity. It seems like everything that’s expected to only be a once in a life time opportunity, is always associated with some kind of magical quality.

The “it only happens once” factor.

Why is that?

We spend so much time wondering about the unknown to the point that we become afraid even, of what we don’t know. It’s terrifying. Making decisions without knowing for sure what will happen next, how we’re told that one choice will end up dictating our entire lives. But by knowing something will only ever happen once and never again, we end up pushing ourselves to follow through and seize the opportunity.

The motivation that just knowing one thing in a midst of uncertainty is exhilarating.

Maybe even where the magic truly lies.

People make decisions based on what best benefits our self-interests. For some, their self-interest is in other people so they put others first. On the other hand, for others, their self-interests lie in themselves. There’s so much more to it than just that though. It’s not in just black and white. There’s considerate people who put themselves first because they feel that they can’t take care of other people well if they’re not put together themselves, while there’s people who want to help others but can’t because they are a mess. You have people who act nice and caring only to gain your favor to climb up the social ladder, while the people who can say the rudest things show the most genuine humane actions.

In the face of all these contradictions, we not only live a world where anything can happen but also a pool of uncertainty because, anything really can happen.  We don’t know anything for sure except for what we’ve experienced and what the numbers prove. Yet every so often, even the numbers are wrong.

What if it doesn’t  happen only once? What if it doesn’t happen at all?

What if, what happens in the future doesn’t matter… because it doesn’t exist yet?

IMG_0650

Lately, I’ve been asked where I want to be 30 years from now or even just what I expect to be doing just 5 years from now.

I’m not sure if you remember what you imagined high school to be like when you were in kindergarten then coming to the realization that it wasn’t like anything you expected after you actually went into high school but, I guess adulthood works the same way.

I used to be really worried about my future.

How I had to get experience now to get a job, how the passions I had needed time to build up to make money, and how those passions wouldn’t amount to anything so I had to keep a back up plan up to date.

But if adulthood works the same way as growing up did the first 18 years of my life, which, it kind of does more or less, things aren’t going to go the way I planned.

They didn’t and it’ll continue that way.

However even though things don’t go the way you want them to sometimes, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t fall into place.

With this eclipse, I’ve come to a realization that instead of worrying about where I will be years from now, why not focus on where I am currently and how I can progress?

What’s the use of stressing out over a future that probably won’t come to pass, when you can put that stress into a present that you actually have control over?

We’re making our future as we speak, but the responsibility of it all can be overwhelming. Yet, like the eclipse, every decision we make of every second of every day that we make still is once in a life time because the context of why and how you make it will never be the same.

The weather will be different, maybe your relationships will change.

But by using the same magic that’s gotten millions of people to back up traffic on the freeways to Oregon and invest in special glasses, we can use this “once in a lifetime” factor in our daily lives.

With the eclipse of our beloved Sol, we can let the fear of uncertainty in our souls be eclipsed as well and bet on ourselves.

Continue to live on and set your red balloons free at sunset my lovelies.

Until next time!
DefinitelyNotEmi

Special Thanks to Anuj Photography

Featured Photo

Shirt: Women’s Dana Buchman Sheer Embroidered Tunic Shirt (Similar but Better – Kohls)

Pants: Destroyed Push-Up Skinny Jeans (Charlotte Russe)

Shoes:  Women’s Kathleen T-Strap Pump (Payless)

Wings and Accidental Weddings

“Hey, you up for a shoot tomorrow?”

With an excited yes in response and a somewhat guilty conscious, my friend Brian and I made our way to a local park to do a quick shoot so I would have something to post. However, our little morning park adventure turned out to be a lot more eventful than I thought it would be.

When we first arrived, there had been a Ukrainian wedding taking place. To my dismay, we couldn’t find the bride or groom anywhere but the audience was flooded Payless, lots of people have been picking up shoes for upcoming weddings as well.

I guess, the month of August is also the month of weddings. It’s got me thinking.

What is love to me?

What do I want in a relationship?

I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been so busy obsessing over these two questions and even going to psychics about questions about my love life for the past year that not only should I just be focusing on myself as a person instead, but even if I know who I’m supposed to end up with, or even how someone else potentially feels about me, if they don’t do anything about it then it’s almost the same as if they didn’t have feelings for me at all.

The problem is, if try to initiate something I always end up coming off as too awkward or pushy. But if I don’t, I become anxious.

What are you supposed to do at that point?

Personally, even if you tell me what I should do in this situation and you’re right, I probably still won’t do it. I guess, maybe I’m just unreasonably stubborn. I need constant confirmation yet I can’t believe in the evidence I’m given, so it’s an endless cycle.

0_9.JPG

The thing is, maybe what you’re supposed to do doesn’t matter.

We all have things we’re supposed to do or expected to do that we end up not doing. Things that we shouldn’t do and are expected not to do. Not just exercising or not drinking that “one more shot” but also things like saying “I hate you” to your mom minutes before she dies of a sudden heart attack, bullying that kid back in elementary school, or deciding to ghost someone randomly because you wanted some distance.

These tragedies are real things and awful, but yet they happen.

Though those examples aren’t from me personally, they’re real stories I have either heard or taken a part in. Maybe for every amazing person I encounter, there’ll be 10 more awful ones. But I don’t have control over that.

Instead of stressing out over love lives and how things should or are supposed to be, the trick to being happy is to focusing on how we aren’t better than anyone, but no one is better than us.

By remembering that we’re all people and equal to each other, not above or below, we’ll be able to achieve a sense of true self confidence.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s where true love really begins.

0_2.JPG

Dress: Black V-neck Wing Detail Open Back Skater Dress
Shoes: Women’s Indi Peep-Toe Bootie Heel

Special Thanks to Brian Freeland Photography