Falling in Fall

With another quarter, I’ve found myself in another mess all over again because I always take on so much. The thing is, maybe the reason why I’ve always said that I wanted to do “everything” was to hide the fact that I really don’t know what to do anymore, from myself.

I have a lot of interests, but when it comes to what I actually want to commit myself to…

I still have no idea.

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Languages, graphic design, traditional and digital art, photography, music, and even things such as Business or Psychology; all of it’s always been so appealing and interesting. However, they all also take lots of time to either study or pursue. It becomes more than just a hobby, yet not enough to become a career in itself yet.

There’s this awkward “in-between” stage.

As I’ve been stumbling and falling through this awkward little season of self-conscious self-doubt, the more I realize that, maybe, things like self-discovery won’t ever truly get solved. At least not 100%.

It’s hard accepting that everything really can’t be come to be known for sure. It’s hard accepting change and that the world is constantly moving even when you feel so stuck in your own self-made circumstances. It’s never easy.

Nothing that you see as important ever is.

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By coming to terms with the fact that, “it’s okay that  life isn’t easy,” we begin to start truly living and enjoying life as it is. Yet, why is it so much easier to view life through either a pair of rose-colored glasses or through a cynical cracked lens?

We try so desperately to make things simpler in a way that we can understand life enough in order to just deal with life in itself. Or at least, maybe I’ve just been searching for an answer too hard. I’ve been searching for so long, that I don’t even know what I’m looking for anymore.

However, thanks to a random encounter, a turn of events and a reunion with an old friend, it’s come to my realization that maybe the thing I needed the most wasn’t some crystal clear answer painted in gold; but just a tight hug and a reassuring “it’s going to be alright.”

Funny enough, I don’t think either of us have any idea of what “alright” even means.

Even for a misanthrope such as myself, I gotta admit that this uncertain way of how we comfort others has some merit. It’s almost as reassuring as it is ridiculous. But, it’s nice.

They say once you’ve hit rock bottom, you can only go up.

The thing is, maybe I don’t want to go up. I’m not ready to climb out of this grave I’ve dug for myself quite yet. If I stay in this lonely dark hole by myself I get kind of depressed, yet in a way, my melodramatic sadness has become my new home.

These dark gray rocky walls, a dusty dirt floor; it’s all comfortable.

Miserable, but comfortable.

I don’t want to stay here forever of course, but even if it’s just for a little bit longer, I wouldn’t mind not being pieced back together just yet.

Is it weird that I’m almost content?

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Had some fun self-editing some great shots by the one and only, Sammy L. Photography !

Sweater: Juniors’ IZ Byer V-Hem Cowlneck Sweater (Kohl’s)
Shoes: Women’s Maya Thigh-High Boot (Payless)

 

 

On Being Everyone’s “Best Friend”

“You have the personality for it,”

He said, cautiously aiming the camera as he snapped the next shot of my awkwardly positioned self as we continued our photo shoot for the Ragfinery Fashion Show, an annual up-cycling contest up in Bellingham, Washington. This was my first ever photo shoot with an actual photographer, and let me tell you, I was talking at least 500 words a minute in an attempt to hide how nervous I was.

At the time, I had entered the up-cycling contest on a whim. Buying different pieces of used fabric to a bright red used dress, littering my side of the dorm with black and white scraps while blasting Halsey on my phone,  and shaking as I took my first steps into a ballroom full of people in elaborate costumes. It made me realize a lot of things and it was a time for a lot of firsts. But the biggest thing, was that it was the first time I really began to take my life into my own hands, and shape it.

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Ragfinery Cirque of Couture (2017) 
Photography thanks to Artificer Cascadia

We talked about how I had wanted to become a fashion designer and how he thought I could do it because I “had the personality” for it. Maybe I do, or maybe I don’t, but it got me thinking.

What about my personality has that kind of draw?
Do I really have that kind of charismatic energy about me?

I honestly don’t have an answer for that still. Throughout middle school, I met a lot of different kind of people and it really opened my eyes to how so many people experience different events, and how those events can be much harder than what I’ve experienced.

However, because they went through much rougher lifestyles, my problems were often invalidated.

“You’re lucky,” or “at least you don’t have to go through what I go through every day” were all common expressions.The thing is, they were also very valid. They were right. It forced me to look beyond myself; it made me realize that many people experience worse things than I do, and that those people aren’t just in the news. They were next to me. They knew me. And I wanted to help them.

But the problem was, how?

The hard part about helping people is that most of the time what happens to them is not only is the situation around them out of their control, but it’s out of our control as well. It gets to a point where you realize that, stuff happens. The first step to helping others isn’t coming up with a concrete solution, but I’ve found that most people just want to be understood. In addition to that, we all experience things through different perspectives and small things to one can end up as major issues to another.

However, since we all want to be understood, the hardest part to helping others with personal problems may be the fact that they’re not us. They don’t always do what they do because of why we do the things that we do. They don’t get sad and moody over what upsets us.

People say that, I “have the personality” for it, or the “mindset” for it. But, I think it’s a lot more than just an ambitious streak. It’s not just the positive revelations and determination, but coming to terms with our moments of clarity.

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Eye contact still scares me. I have huge stage fright and my anxiety goes through the roof every time I get approached by someone new. But I’m also outgoing, social, and impulsive. Naive but jaded, energetic and courageous, yet terrified and inconsistent.

The painful moments where we realize that we’ve messed up, how life can suck, how things didn’t go as we expected. It’s about taking these moments, and using them to shape ourselves up as people and run with it. We’re all filled with so much different potential, but yet, we’re the things that block out our potential the most.

People opening up to me, and for some reason, liking me? 

It’s overwhelming even. It blows my mind beyond comprehension and makes me always wonder why. Regardless of what reasons they may give me, it’s never enough.

Alike how we need to understand others to help them, I guess the most important step to helping ourselves, is to truly understand ourselves as who we are. Yet, how we see ourselves can be so negative and far from the truth.

How do we figure ourselves out and deal with it in a way that makes us happy?

With being everyone’s “best friend,” we need to have enough confidence in ourselves to lift others up. To effectively help others, you don’t need to be put together at all. You can be lost, you can be hurt. It’s okay to not be okay. But to see where others are coming from and lift them up, we need to pieced together enough in a way so that we won’t compare ourselves to other people. To recognize others as equally important individuals is so much easier said than done since we tend to see others as either above and below us when we’re feeling down.

To truly proceed, maybe there’s nothing to “fix” about ourselves, but really, everything to accept about ourselves both wonderful and atrocious. By accepting who we are and staring ourselves face to face, the painful revelations are the catalysts that add to our character development.

How has your character been developing?

Until next time,

DefinitelyNotEmi

Special thanks to Sammy L Photography for the amazing photography!

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Shoes: Women’s Indi Peep Toe Bootie Heel

Shirt: Blush Music Note Girls Sharkbite Tank Top

Jacket: Juniors’ Candie’s® Lace Crop Moto Jacket

Skirt: Japanese Sweet Piano Keys Skirt Embroidered Skirt

 

 

Skedaddling and Flanneling

Good Morning Lovelies!

I don’t know about you guys, but man has it been a week. I feel like I always get flustered over the little things, so it kind of just adds up and I end up feeling I just lived through a season of some TV drama by Saturday.

Back in middle school, I got really amazed by the fact at how I could move my hand and how there were 7 billion other people in the world that could also be moving their hand at the exact same time. Of course, that’s not exactly true. But over time, I still can’t get over the fact of how so much happens at any given second of our lives, yet we still only focus on whatever our “present” is. And I think, that is amazing.

As you’re reading this post, the things that make up these letters, these words, and what it took to make all grow into a cohesive language, someone else is just sitting around and eating a pizza created from the same kind of extensive history. At the same time, over 7 billion people are using things all with a history of some kind and just existing. 

It’s crazy to me no matter how many times I’ve thought about it.

Young Emily plays in a Fountain - 2017

This outfit was something I actually pieced together last year, towards the end of my Senior year of High School. I remember changing my wardrobe completely towards the end of the year, powered with the urge to really just embrace fashion. I’ve dressed up before, bought clothes I liked, etc. But during senior year, I really just had this constant thought of, “I want to look hot.”

Such a stereotypical post-pubescent thought right?

It was the start to something though. Becoming and feeling more attractive was really not just “Man, I want to look good” but really, it was just me determined to become something I was confident in.

When the thoughts you hear most are from yourself, might as well give the inner you something to compliment yourself on. It doesn’t always work, I act sociable when I’m at work or school but man, nothing brings out my anxiety more than when I think that everyone around me is judging me. 

I’ve come to the point where I realize that, they’re just judging me because I’m acting weird since I think that they’re judging me but, just cause I realize it doesn’t mean I can get over it.

But either way, awkwardness aside, I’ve found that wearing what makes you feel attractive will make you attractive. Find what works best for you.

With a light grey-and-white flannel I had gotten from a clearance rack off of Kohl’s, I experimented around until I paired them up with some slick high-waisted black shorts and a purple tank top to add a pop of color.

These customized winged boots from SpreePicky made my life. They were a bit on the expensive side, but wow. Boots? With WINGS?

They get mixed reactions but I kid you not, they’re non-slip, kept me safe in the winter snow and still stylish in the summer. I love them to death.

Although it looks like the boots with bat wings aren’t on sale anymore, they have new ones with bunny ears that come in black and a cream!

Link’s down below!

Set your red balloons off at sunset,

let go of your thoughts and be you as this cycle ends.

Hope you have a great weekend and until next time!

Layers with Shorts

-DefinitelyNotEmi

Special Thanks to Brian Freeland Photography

Boots:  Beige/Black Rabbit Ears Low Martin Boots (SpreePicky – Similar)

Subtly Edgy Jackets and Summer Layers

Clearance racks and thrift stores have a mixed social stigma still but, I’m pretty happy with this outfit that was made from exactly that. The ruffled floral tank added a little pop of color to the whole thing without being too overwhelming while the ruffles kept it fun and flowing.

Being the wannabe edge-lord I am, I decided to add high-waisted shorts for a little more impact while the subtle off-white of the jacket to tie it all together.

Sadly, the jacket is from my mom’s old stash of clothes but this faux leather jacket at Charlotte Russe will add more pop to it and would make it even more refined.  However,Tank and shorts are on clearance at Kohl’s!

Set your red balloon off at every sunset you come across.

Until next time and hope you have a great start to your week!
-DefinitelyNotEmi

Special Thanks to Brian Freeland Photography