Falling in Fall

With another quarter, I’ve found myself in another mess all over again because I always take on so much. The thing is, maybe the reason why I’ve always said that I wanted to do “everything” was to hide the fact that I really don’t know what to do anymore, from myself.

I have a lot of interests, but when it comes to what I actually want to commit myself to…

I still have no idea.

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Languages, graphic design, traditional and digital art, photography, music, and even things such as Business or Psychology; all of it’s always been so appealing and interesting. However, they all also take lots of time to either study or pursue. It becomes more than just a hobby, yet not enough to become a career in itself yet.

There’s this awkward “in-between” stage.

As I’ve been stumbling and falling through this awkward little season of self-conscious self-doubt, the more I realize that, maybe, things like self-discovery won’t ever truly get solved. At least not 100%.

It’s hard accepting that everything really can’t be come to be known for sure. It’s hard accepting change and that the world is constantly moving even when you feel so stuck in your own self-made circumstances. It’s never easy.

Nothing that you see as important ever is.

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By coming to terms with the fact that, “it’s okay that  life isn’t easy,” we begin to start truly living and enjoying life as it is. Yet, why is it so much easier to view life through either a pair of rose-colored glasses or through a cynical cracked lens?

We try so desperately to make things simpler in a way that we can understand life enough in order to just deal with life in itself. Or at least, maybe I’ve just been searching for an answer too hard. I’ve been searching for so long, that I don’t even know what I’m looking for anymore.

However, thanks to a random encounter, a turn of events and a reunion with an old friend, it’s come to my realization that maybe the thing I needed the most wasn’t some crystal clear answer painted in gold; but just a tight hug and a reassuring “it’s going to be alright.”

Funny enough, I don’t think either of us have any idea of what “alright” even means.

Even for a misanthrope such as myself, I gotta admit that this uncertain way of how we comfort others has some merit. It’s almost as reassuring as it is ridiculous. But, it’s nice.

They say once you’ve hit rock bottom, you can only go up.

The thing is, maybe I don’t want to go up. I’m not ready to climb out of this grave I’ve dug for myself quite yet. If I stay in this lonely dark hole by myself I get kind of depressed, yet in a way, my melodramatic sadness has become my new home.

These dark gray rocky walls, a dusty dirt floor; it’s all comfortable.

Miserable, but comfortable.

I don’t want to stay here forever of course, but even if it’s just for a little bit longer, I wouldn’t mind not being pieced back together just yet.

Is it weird that I’m almost content?

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Had some fun self-editing some great shots by the one and only, Sammy L. Photography !

Sweater: Juniors’ IZ Byer V-Hem Cowlneck Sweater (Kohl’s)
Shoes: Women’s Maya Thigh-High Boot (Payless)

 

 

Wings and Accidental Weddings

“Hey, you up for a shoot tomorrow?”

With an excited yes in response and a somewhat guilty conscious, my friend Brian and I made our way to a local park to do a quick shoot so I would have something to post. However, our little morning park adventure turned out to be a lot more eventful than I thought it would be.

When we first arrived, there had been a Ukrainian wedding taking place. To my dismay, we couldn’t find the bride or groom anywhere but the audience was flooded Payless, lots of people have been picking up shoes for upcoming weddings as well.

I guess, the month of August is also the month of weddings. It’s got me thinking.

What is love to me?

What do I want in a relationship?

I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been so busy obsessing over these two questions and even going to psychics about questions about my love life for the past year that not only should I just be focusing on myself as a person instead, but even if I know who I’m supposed to end up with, or even how someone else potentially feels about me, if they don’t do anything about it then it’s almost the same as if they didn’t have feelings for me at all.

The problem is, if try to initiate something I always end up coming off as too awkward or pushy. But if I don’t, I become anxious.

What are you supposed to do at that point?

Personally, even if you tell me what I should do in this situation and you’re right, I probably still won’t do it. I guess, maybe I’m just unreasonably stubborn. I need constant confirmation yet I can’t believe in the evidence I’m given, so it’s an endless cycle.

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The thing is, maybe what you’re supposed to do doesn’t matter.

We all have things we’re supposed to do or expected to do that we end up not doing. Things that we shouldn’t do and are expected not to do. Not just exercising or not drinking that “one more shot” but also things like saying “I hate you” to your mom minutes before she dies of a sudden heart attack, bullying that kid back in elementary school, or deciding to ghost someone randomly because you wanted some distance.

These tragedies are real things and awful, but yet they happen.

Though those examples aren’t from me personally, they’re real stories I have either heard or taken a part in. Maybe for every amazing person I encounter, there’ll be 10 more awful ones. But I don’t have control over that.

Instead of stressing out over love lives and how things should or are supposed to be, the trick to being happy is to focusing on how we aren’t better than anyone, but no one is better than us.

By remembering that we’re all people and equal to each other, not above or below, we’ll be able to achieve a sense of true self confidence.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s where true love really begins.

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Dress: Black V-neck Wing Detail Open Back Skater Dress
Shoes: Women’s Indi Peep-Toe Bootie Heel

Special Thanks to Brian Freeland Photography

Plaid’s Not So Bad

Happy Thursday!

A little past the half-way mark of not only this week, but with the start of August, we're now a little past half-way through summer. It's still as hot as ever here in the Greater Seattle area and I can honestly say that I almost miss the rain. Really, I just miss the 50 degrees but sunny days.

Though it's hot and there's some forest fires nearby making the air a bit smokey, here I am with another outfit.

Embracing the heat, I've decided to break out a pair of my denim short-shorts with a black tank, topping it off with a plaid vest to add a little more color and tie the outfit together.  Though I used to wear this with some winged boots, I found some comfortable sandals and a matching bag to help tie the pastel orange and the blue together more with the black.

Not exactly understated, but not too bold either.

Hope you're all surviving this summer heat!

Vest: Women's Rock & Republic® Sleeveless Plaid Shirt (Kohl's – Similar)
Shoes: Women's Perry Low Wedge Ghillie (Payless – Similar)
Purse: Women's Jinx Satchel (Payless – Same Style, different colors)

Set your red balloons off at sunset my lovelies,
DefinitelyNotEmi

Special Thanks to Brian Freeland Photography