Meshed Up Mess

Isn’t it funny how we can become overwhelmed from taking on too much so we take on less, but still end up not getting anything done because we still feel overwhelmed?

That’s been the past few weeks but time to get back to my usual routine.

With my photographer friend, Sammy from Sammy L. Photography, the two of us embarked around the Museum of Glass for the photo shoot featuring this mesh tank!

I know it’s slowly becoming fall, but I love mesh tops to death. Mesh anything really. For some reason, the aesthetics of purposely placed holes in clothing pleases me. Ripped jeans, starry lace?

It’s just so exhilarating and makes the outfit itself feel super fun while looking sharp, The holes in the mesh add a really nice fun and flirty element to everything, so after I saw it at Kohl’s I kind of just said good bye to my wallet and picked it up instead. Luckily, it wasn’t that expensive.

Or maybe it was.

After these past two weeks of being almost constantly $50 overdrawn, I’ve learned that I really have no concept of money.  However, it becomes kind of surreal to me.

Do I really have no concept of money, or do I just act like I don’t because I want to escape a reality of where everything that lay in my hands felt like too much… by being irresponsible?

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Lots of people become a mess because we end up trying to distract ourselves from the things that we don’t want to think about. Anything and everything to make it all the more convenient for us. Although it’s beneficial, we often times don’t face ourselves because those moments of clarity can be what hurt the most.

Then after we realize what the problem is, what do we do about it?

Even if we know what to do, why is it so hard to put it into action?

And in the end, is what we know… reality?

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I’ve found the answer to the last question to be yes, however, because reality is what we feel that we know it can also be inaccurate.  We all live in the same world yet how we each perceive what’s around us can be so different. Our emotions, thoughts and even the conclusions we come to end up being so varied. The thing is, not only is it different compared to other people but it can also be different compared to ourselves.

We’ve all procrastinated at some point in time, but even when it’s the smallest task, it just feels like whatever has to get done is such a hassle. It can’t be bothered. Yet, when we actually begin to work on it, the actual process itself doesn’t feel as bad as we make it out to. Thinking of each step, on the other hand, is extremely tiring.

Getting out of bed just seems like an awful idea some days.

You need to leave the warmth of the blankets, comfort of your mattress, and.. walk? 

Really, it’s not that bad. You know that. I know that. But when you think of each and every step in the process that has to be overcome, it just gets overwhelming even though you have the capability of doing it.

In the end, we not only over estimate ourselves when we take on too much, but we also over-estimate simple scenarios. Maybe the reason why we take so long to take action, is because over-estimating what could happen takes so much less effort, than experiencing the results ourselves.

What ever the reason may be, keep your head held high even when you’re dying inside.

I’ll keep you company.

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Photography by Sammy L. Photography

Shirt: Juniors’ Candie’s® Open-Work Star Lace Tank (Kohls)
Heels: Women’s Indi Peep Toe Bootie Heel (Payless)

On Being Everyone’s “Best Friend”

“You have the personality for it,”

He said, cautiously aiming the camera as he snapped the next shot of my awkwardly positioned self as we continued our photo shoot for the Ragfinery Fashion Show, an annual up-cycling contest up in Bellingham, Washington. This was my first ever photo shoot with an actual photographer, and let me tell you, I was talking at least 500 words a minute in an attempt to hide how nervous I was.

At the time, I had entered the up-cycling contest on a whim. Buying different pieces of used fabric to a bright red used dress, littering my side of the dorm with black and white scraps while blasting Halsey on my phone,  and shaking as I took my first steps into a ballroom full of people in elaborate costumes. It made me realize a lot of things and it was a time for a lot of firsts. But the biggest thing, was that it was the first time I really began to take my life into my own hands, and shape it.

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Ragfinery Cirque of Couture (2017) 
Photography thanks to Artificer Cascadia

We talked about how I had wanted to become a fashion designer and how he thought I could do it because I “had the personality” for it. Maybe I do, or maybe I don’t, but it got me thinking.

What about my personality has that kind of draw?
Do I really have that kind of charismatic energy about me?

I honestly don’t have an answer for that still. Throughout middle school, I met a lot of different kind of people and it really opened my eyes to how so many people experience different events, and how those events can be much harder than what I’ve experienced.

However, because they went through much rougher lifestyles, my problems were often invalidated.

“You’re lucky,” or “at least you don’t have to go through what I go through every day” were all common expressions.The thing is, they were also very valid. They were right. It forced me to look beyond myself; it made me realize that many people experience worse things than I do, and that those people aren’t just in the news. They were next to me. They knew me. And I wanted to help them.

But the problem was, how?

The hard part about helping people is that most of the time what happens to them is not only is the situation around them out of their control, but it’s out of our control as well. It gets to a point where you realize that, stuff happens. The first step to helping others isn’t coming up with a concrete solution, but I’ve found that most people just want to be understood. In addition to that, we all experience things through different perspectives and small things to one can end up as major issues to another.

However, since we all want to be understood, the hardest part to helping others with personal problems may be the fact that they’re not us. They don’t always do what they do because of why we do the things that we do. They don’t get sad and moody over what upsets us.

People say that, I “have the personality” for it, or the “mindset” for it. But, I think it’s a lot more than just an ambitious streak. It’s not just the positive revelations and determination, but coming to terms with our moments of clarity.

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Eye contact still scares me. I have huge stage fright and my anxiety goes through the roof every time I get approached by someone new. But I’m also outgoing, social, and impulsive. Naive but jaded, energetic and courageous, yet terrified and inconsistent.

The painful moments where we realize that we’ve messed up, how life can suck, how things didn’t go as we expected. It’s about taking these moments, and using them to shape ourselves up as people and run with it. We’re all filled with so much different potential, but yet, we’re the things that block out our potential the most.

People opening up to me, and for some reason, liking me? 

It’s overwhelming even. It blows my mind beyond comprehension and makes me always wonder why. Regardless of what reasons they may give me, it’s never enough.

Alike how we need to understand others to help them, I guess the most important step to helping ourselves, is to truly understand ourselves as who we are. Yet, how we see ourselves can be so negative and far from the truth.

How do we figure ourselves out and deal with it in a way that makes us happy?

With being everyone’s “best friend,” we need to have enough confidence in ourselves to lift others up. To effectively help others, you don’t need to be put together at all. You can be lost, you can be hurt. It’s okay to not be okay. But to see where others are coming from and lift them up, we need to pieced together enough in a way so that we won’t compare ourselves to other people. To recognize others as equally important individuals is so much easier said than done since we tend to see others as either above and below us when we’re feeling down.

To truly proceed, maybe there’s nothing to “fix” about ourselves, but really, everything to accept about ourselves both wonderful and atrocious. By accepting who we are and staring ourselves face to face, the painful revelations are the catalysts that add to our character development.

How has your character been developing?

Until next time,

DefinitelyNotEmi

Special thanks to Sammy L Photography for the amazing photography!

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Shoes: Women’s Indi Peep Toe Bootie Heel

Shirt: Blush Music Note Girls Sharkbite Tank Top

Jacket: Juniors’ Candie’s® Lace Crop Moto Jacket

Skirt: Japanese Sweet Piano Keys Skirt Embroidered Skirt